Life happens...

I typically try to have a specific topic to cover in each blog, but today I'm too tired to be creative. #Sorrynotsorry

I'm in Oklahoma and today is cold, snowy, wet and did I say cold? Brrr! I'm really ready for the Spring/Summer. I love Summer time! I love laying out, soaking in the sun, swimming, and being able to go out to the park to walk/play anytime. As much as I want that pool to be opened, I'm not ready for "swimsuit season." I wish I would be closer to goal by May/June, but I know that's unrealistic. Time is not on my side... it never is. {Two things I'll never have enough of: Time and Money. Wah Waahh! *Sad Trombone*}

This post is random. Just warning you now...

So I've been thinking of Valentine's Day. I've been wondering what I'm going to do for Samuel this year. I wanted to do something different than the typical "dinner and chocolate" gifts that he usually gets. Without going into too much detail {he reads this from time to time} I think I might try to be creative with his gift. I don't really have any money to spend, so I'll probably have to go with some D.I.Y. We'll see. I want to get away from the candy and junk because it just tempts me to eat it. I could eat a whole box of chocolates in a matter of a day. YIKES!

It's a different holiday this year, since we have a baby. If you know what I mean... *wink wink* We don't get that special romantic evening or a lone time anymore. It's not just about us anymore either. Valentine's Day is about love and Baby S is our new love! Everything changes when you have a baby. It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just different. Sometimes it's more difficult. It's really important to me for Samuel and I not to "lose" US. We get so wrapped up in life, raising a baby, taking care of someone who is completely dependent on us, and all our worries; we tend to forget about our self.

That's where I'm at in life. I have too many other "worries" in life, I'm definitely on the back-burner. I want to sign up for WW, but I'm too afraid I'll need that extra $20 to buy diapers one week. I need to go to the eye Dr. and get new glasses. We don't carry vision insurance, so that's about $200-$300 that we have to budget for, and we haven't been able to save it up yet. Life happens. Things get a little sticky or fuzzy. We live paycheck to paycheck, but for some reason, every week is a complete surprise {not necessarily the good kind}. In a world where I'm not sure what to expect next... I can't possibly spend this money or time on myself. I have to make sure I save it for Baby S. It gets tough, for sure. 

I've told my husband that I want to live. I want to be around to take care of and raise our son. I want to be able to play with him and run around. I hope we can manage to have another baby in our future. I want to be healthy enough to do that. So many things I want for myself. It's not fair healthy that I should have to give up everything and not take care of me. 

In order for me to love freely, I need to love me. I cannot love me without taking care of myself and getting my confidence back. I cannot get my confidence back without losing this weight. My self worth has always revolved around my looks. That may not be good, but it's just the way it is for me. Everyone can say nice things, offer compliments or whatever, but until I FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT MYSELF, it doesn't matter. Not trying to be rude, really. I just don't believe them. It's basically like a white lie. People are just trying to be nice... and it is nice that they say the things they say. {I  think they are probably talking about the inner me; which is nice. It's important to be pretty on the inside... no matter how pretty you are on the outside, if your inner self is ugly, then you're ugly. I want my outsides to match my insides and I don't think that's a bad thing or wrong} I believe God made everything beautiful, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am beautiful on the inside, but I'm ready to be a HOTTIE on the outside! I'm just being real with myself. I know that I'm fat and that is unattractive. I'm working on it! Eventually I'll get back to this:

      ?2014?

The two pictures on the left are about 6 to 7 years apart from the one on the right. The first two are around 2005-2006. The last one is 2012. I'm hoping by the end of 2014, I can take another picture and it will fit in with these 3 nicely. These are my own personal "Thinsporations."  It's obtainable. I've been there! I wanna get that back and never lose hold of it again.

Song of Sol 4:7 - You're altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.