Welcome Back!

Why, hello there world. It has been 9 months since my last confes... err post. There has been a lot of things going on in my life since July 2014. Let me fill you in...

I have gained about 20 lbs since my last post. It's absolutely insane. It's absolutely disgusting and disappointing. I obviously gave up during my last weight-loss attempt and gained my weight back (plus about 10 pounds). It's a struggle. I've been struggling for roughly 10 years now... up and down, up and down. T-E-N Y-E-A-R-S of this crap. That's a long time to set bad habits. It's practically impossible to have thought I could break these habits in a matter of months. 

With every great struggle, one reaches a breaking point. One decides they are fed up, done, and so over it. Mine happened not too long ago. I had basically spent all of February and March going out to eat. For lunch I would swing by McDonald's and SUPER SIZE that junk. For dinner my husband and I would order a pizza or grab chinese. This wasn't just Wednesday and Sunday after church... oh no. It was Sunday through Saturday, every week. Eating out that much does two things: (well maybe more than two things, but in a nutshell... these two things) 1) GETS OLD and 2) Costs LOTS and LOTS of money! 

Let me back up here for a second. I should point out that, obviously, my weight didn't just pack on in a couple of months. No, it didn't. It started around the holidays. I had just let myself go and threw caution to the wind. I picked up my old coke [Cocoa-Cola] habit and started super sizing meals. It got out of hand fast. And now, here I am.

Okay, so I mentioned that a breaking point is reached and eating out gets old. So, that's what happened. I had been trying to figure out what lifestyle changes could be made that I could really keep up with. I needed a "diet" makeover. I needed to make changes that I could live with and changes that would keep me living. I had been thinking of going "Paleo" for quite some time, but never took the plunge.

I realized that I had to do something. I realized I couldn't keep living this way. I realized that not only have I gone back to my old self (the one I talk about here) but that it has gotten even worse; the pain, feeling uncomfortable, being incredibly insecure, withdrawing, and feeling depressed.

When the junk you've been "craving" and eating non-stop for weeks on end gets old, it's time to re-evaluate your eating habits. I had (literally) eaten at every single food chain, more than once, and no longer could find something that "sounded good". That was my "AHA" moment. I figured if I was eating all of this food that is bad for me, and I was no longer enjoying it - then why not try to eat something that is good for me (whether I enjoyed it or not)?! 

That's when I decided to change my lifestyle. I stopped drinking coke and I started eating high fat, high protein, and low carb. I started on Monday, April 30th. I weighed in at 227. I thought this was my heaviest I had ever been. I just looked back to some of my old posts on here, and it appears that last year I actually hit the 230's. It's not like I'm that far off. I'm practically at the heaviest I've ever been. I'm most definitely the most unhealthy I've ever been. My Dr. did some lab work on me and I was 1 point away from being pre-diabetic. This is just completely unacceptable to me. I refuse to become diabetic. It's totally depressing and disappointing that I have continued to let my weight and health deteriorate. 

My drive to succeed feels a lot different and stronger this time around. I know it will still be an up-hill battle. I know it will still be hard and challenging. I know I'll still feel like "cheating" or quitting. I'm motivated to keep going. I'm trying to hold onto this motivation as hard as I can. That's why I'm hoping this blog can keep my fire lit.

I don't really expect people to comment on this, much less read it. This time, it's for me. I'm getting my thoughts out there. I'm reflecting and I'm re-focusing. It was pretty cool looking back on the things I said last year. It's crazy how much I feel like I've grown in such a short amount of time. 

Speaking of growing, Baby S is not really a "baby" anymore. He will be TWO in May and he's a GIANT! He is one reason I want to be healthy, but this time I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing this for me. I've gotten my job back at Target and I'm working part time. I feel like I have more purpose in life than wiping dirty bottoms and cleaning dirty dishes just being a mommy. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE BEING A MOMMY! I just feel like that has been my focus for the past few years and it has made other areas of my life unhealthy. I feel like I have the best of all worlds right now, and the only thing that's missing is my COMPLETE happiness in myself. My self-esteem definitely improves when I'm thinner. If that makes me shallow, then I will own it. It makes me happy, confident, and more outgoing when I can feel beautiful because I'm thin. I want that for myself. I think I deserve it... not in an "I'm entitled" type of way, but in an "everyone deserves to have self-confidence and that doesn't exclude me" kind of way. 

Follow my journey if you'd like. Having extra support is always welcomed. I'm not promising I'll update daily, but I'll definitely update my weekly weigh-ins.