Blah Blah Blah

Sorry that I haven't been updating as regularly as I'd like. I've felt so busy the last few weeks that I was kind of taking a break from everything {including cleaning my house} ha! Today was a "let's get back to business" day.

Since joining WW, my weigh-in day was set to Monday. Monday's tend to suck anyway, so I thought that it would be a good day to stick with. Which leads me to my next point... 

Today is Monday. I weighed in at 229.5 this morning. I lost 0.5lbs. I'm not even mad. I didn't track at all this week. I tried to make good choices, but I used every excuse in the book this week:

• I'm too tired
• I'm on my period
• I don't care
• I have nothing in the house {needed to buy groceries}
• I don't have time

I assumed, once I realized I was on my period, that I was most likely bloated during my weigh-in. My weight definitely fluctuates during this time of the month. Well the truth is I was bloated, but not when I weighed in at 230. {I weighed through-out the week to see the fluctuation and I got up to 233.5.}

So I really just keep saying the same thing week after week and I never follow through. I'm all talk and I'm not walking the walk. I'm really mad at myself. I'm not mad that I didn't lose much weight {because, like I said, I expected it!} but more so that I get myself all pumped up and then not even 24 hours later, forget all about it! It's frustrating. It's aggravating. It's really really... I don't even know. It's something else, I'll tell ya... when I figure it out...

I had a dream last night and it involved my sister. It was really strange, I'm warning you now Leslie! {Ha} The dream kind of started in the middle of whatever scenario we were in. We were talking about my weight-loss journey and she {my sister, Leslie} started talking to me about TSFL. I have told y'all before that if I could do the program again, I definitely would. I've also told her this and she's completely supportive of this fact. I still like using her as my certified health coach, because she has a lot of helpful information. So this is where the dream gets weird...

We were talking and I was just struggling with what I can do and talking to her honestly about how I'm failing. She sighed and asked why I don't just get back on program. I chuckled and told her "you know why!" She looked down at me in disbelief and basically said: "You blame it on the cost, but REALLY?! You can't "afford" it? I just doubt that!" (I was shocked! Of all people, my sister knows my family is on a tight budget!) I explained to her about a salesman that came over and I couldn't even afford the $125 installments for the opportunity for purified water {through-out the house}. I told her "If I couldn't afford that addition to our budget, I can't afford adding $250+" I was so shocked. I didn't understand why she didn't believe me? She hassled me like the salesman did. "Lauren, I bet there is something in your budget you can cut ... make the exception for health!" 

That was pretty much the end of the dream.

I want to paint a VERY CLEAR picture here. This is not how my sister is. She never would push anything on me. She wouldn't doubt me or bully me. She wouldn't harass my budget. She wouldn't act like I was making up excuses. She doesn't have to persuade me to be on the program. If I could do it again, I would, in a heartbeat! My budget is so tight, I don't have "extra" things in life {i.e. cable tv, going out for lunch/dinner, magazine subscriptions, allowance for shopping, etc etc}. All of our money goes to bills and we have a very tiny amount left over for savings and for not draining our account. My sister gets that. She, too, has a tight budget!

I know this was just a dream, but what did it mean? What was my subconscious trying to tell me? Breaking it down - I know it has nothing to do with Leslie at all. It may not even have to do with TSFL... I'm not good at interpreting dreams though. I'm curious if anyone has any insight? I was just thinking that if there is guilt or regret or even resentment about something then maybe I could move forward and it might help me be healthier?! I don't know. It's crazy! 

Maybe it's me bullying myself? Maybe, deep down, I know I'm not doing enough! {Not even deep down... it's pretty superficial} I'm not doing enough. "Make the necessary sacrifices for health!" Doesn't matter what it takes. Just. Do. It. No excuses, no holds barred. 

What do y'all think??

Ps. Leslie, I love you and I hope this didn't make you mad! HA! I can laugh at it now... it was only a dream!