It's been a long time. I'd like to pretend like I've been uber busy and preoccupied; you know, say that's why I've been gone, but that would be a lie. I haven't been doing anything. Just sitting around, napping, playing with Baby S, munching on junk, and moping...
Update to my weight gain, since it's been another gain and not a loss: 233. I've been working with my sister, whom I also use as a health coach, and tapping into her expertise. She's assisting me with a new plan. I'm hoping to start TSFL again. I've been wanting to do it so desperately, that I'm seeking all my options to make that happen. We're having to work out all the details, but hopefully in the next week or so I can get in all finalized and get on my way to a healthier me.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to continue making good choices. Some days I try to follow WW. Other days I try to count calories. I'm failing but I'm not giving up all together. My frame of mind {even though I have never shared these thoughts here} has always been "if I screw up, then I ruined the day... so whatever choices I make today don't matter!" My sister and I talked about how this is the WRONG way to think. Just because I chose a not-so-good choice for lunch, doesn't mean I should "give up" and continue to choose poorly for the rest of the day! I can turn it around immediately, forgive myself, and make a health choice for my next meal. I never do this. I'm going to try to start, though.
I have a not so secret, secret. I've always known this fact about myself, but talking about it has never really presented itself. I think it's time:
I CANNOT MAKE "LITTLE" DECISIONS.
{I'm horrible at it. I hate it! I mostly refuse to do it.}
Something HUGE and important? Something I am deeply passionate about? EASY. Something not so big? Something that doesn't have a huge impact? Something seemingly meaningless? Something that won't affect people? Something that might make someone else uncomfortable or mad? Nope. Can't. Please make up my mind for me. Do not put me through the stress, LITERALLY STRESS, of trying to come up with an answer/decision because it literally is the hardest thing for me, ever. Is it laziness? Is it dependability?
My husband: "Baby, what's for dinner?"
Me: "Uhh.. what do you want?"
My husband: "I asked you! You're the picky one... what do you want?"
Me: "I really don't care, will you please just choose? Or at least give me 3 choices to choose from... I need it narrowed down."
My husband: "If I give you choices, you won't like any of them, so just tell me what you want!"
The truth is? I really don't know! If my life depended on it... I would probably die being indecisive! I don't know why this is? I haven't figured that part out yet. I just think this is a small insight into where I have gotten myself. That was just a ridiculous example, because I hear a lot of men complain about their wive's having the same problem. HA. I think mine goes a little deeper though!
As I said, I get totally stressed out about decisions and I'd rather just avoid it altogether. I feel like shutting down. The hardest thing for me day to day? Planning my life around food {which by the way can I just say I feel is so PATHETIC! Why should FOOD run my life?! Well... it does. I'm convinced I'm a food addict and so that is why I know I need to plan}. I know it's important for staying on track.
Here's a few examples of what runs through my mind on a constant basis:
- What am I going to fix for lunch or dinner?
- What can I afford to buy at the grocery store?
- What healthy snack ideas can I come up with?
- I forgot ____ at the grocery store and can't fix what I planned on for dinner...
- What else do I have in the house?
- Is this healthy? I'm sick and tired of eating ____ so what other things can I eat that aren't unhealthy?
- I left the house longer than I thought and I don't have anything to eat with me, should I stop at a fast food place?
- I'm too tired to fix what I had planned, what am I going to do?
All of these questions and scenarios are examples of either lack of planning or my inability to decide. Planning is crucial, and I know this.
This is why I feel, personally, TSFL is for ME! All the "guess work" is taken out. I have a guideline of exactly what to and not to eat. I have very little decisions to make except to "be on program," which is really straight forward. I have a website I visit that gives me TONS of ideas for dinner. I don't have to worry about any of my other meals, because they're pre-packaged, pre-portioned, fast, convenient, and EASY! The only struggle is DOING it and quite frankly, that isn't hard!
WW is easy for me if I eat the same stuff over and over again. Not only do I have to come up with ideas for breakfast, snacks, and lunch but for dinner, too. I've looked up websites for dinner ideas on WW and unfortunately, I'm still ME and I'm picky. If it looks nasty, I'm not interested. It's a HUGE waste of my groceries and money if I fix a meal and I hate it {cause it's going in the trash}! I tried one week to make a new meal every day for dinner that I had never tried. There were some ingredients I had NEVER bought at the store before. A couple of the meals weren't too different, so they were okay. The other ones I fixed - Sam and I ate, but we threw away the leftovers because we knew we did not want to eat it again {bleh} and one meal I threw away with the first bite because it was AWFUL! In other words, I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to do the "right thing" and just make a healthy meal whatever the cost. Well, I can't afford "that cost." I can't afford to throw away food. It's throwing away money.
I don't know what the answer is going to be. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I don't know why I'm struggling so hard this time around. I don't know a lot of things... all I DO know is I don't want to live like this anymore. I have to do something and I can't keep talking about it. I know I want to be healthy. I know that I feel better when I get out of the house and go walking. I know that I want to be able to play and keep up with Baby S {who is on the move now and getting into everything!} I hate feeling too lazy to get up out of my chair to chase after Baby S. It's really depressing {which leads to more unhealthy habits}.
If anyone has done TSFL and has extra Medifast product lying around that they want to get rid of, please consider donating it to me instead of throwing it away! I cannot afford to buy the product but I am desperate. I'm trying to find any way possible to do this program! Thank you!
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